i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
