Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
