All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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