There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I need a burrito and a hug.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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