tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
