I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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