she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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