you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
