cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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