My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
