i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
