i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
