I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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