Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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