Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
