I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
