I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
