look no pants
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Its about making memories worth repressing
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
