I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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