you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
