Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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