actually, I'm a sock model
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
