you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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