I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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