I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
