Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
