I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
