nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
