I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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