Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
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It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
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Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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