I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
