I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
