Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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