Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Drunk is not a location!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
