before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm like, not good at living.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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