Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
