speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
