he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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