Welp...herpes.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
