this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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