So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
