She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
