You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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