he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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