think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
