I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
