If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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