Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
