I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
