We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
porn star boner night. come get it.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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