I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
