I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
whose parrot is this?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
