I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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