you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
