Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
