Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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