Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I have fence marks all over my body
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
