Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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